Nothing prepares you for your first Restoration Hardware catalog. You may have grown up with extra Pottery Barn or L.L. Bean ones lying around, but it's hard to put them in the same category as RH's behemoth tomes. The size alone will shock you, but really, thumbing through each season's issue is an experience unto itself, akin to somehow stumbling upon Gwyneth Paltrow's diary or, say, being asked to house-sit for Kim Kardashian West. You don't know what, exactly, you'll unearth — but dammit, you're intrigued.
1. How Much Does This Thing Weigh?
More than a human brain, probably. Past issues have weighed up to 17 pounds — 17! — which caused, erm, issues back in 2014, when people complained about receiving copies they never asked for. They've since scaled back dramatically, but each issue is still pretty hefty.
2. Could This Be Used To Bludgeon An Intruder?
Short answer: Probably, though the police might recommend calling them instead.
3. I Need That XXXL Vanity. Even If It Means Removing My Toilet To Make Room For It.
Every space in the catalog seems designed for palatial estates, which — tragically — some of us don't live in. Still, that won't stop you from pouring over every single finish option for the Vessel Washstand.
4. That Leather Looks Softer Than My Face. And I Moisturize Like A Mother!
Even if you use La Mer more religiously than Kate Hudson plugs La Mer, your skin — even the pink baby skin of your newborn who receives daily massages with La Mer — is probably not as soft and smooth as Restoration Hardware's Italian Berkshire Pewter Leather. It's not fair, I know.
5. Oh, Yes, Bare Lightbulbs Are So Hot Right Now.
There's something about the stark, black-and-white portraits and giant, serif fonts in all caps shouting about THE BEAUTY OF UTILITY that gets to you. That gravitas that has you thinking for a split second that yes, there is an elevated, minimalist vision that's been lacking from your home, and only the properly chic exposed bulb can fill it — until someone slaps you upside your head and asks if you've been sniffing paint thinner for funsies.
6. Would I Have To Tear Down A Wall To Get This Sofa In My House?
Better yet: Is this sofa bigger than my house? Sure, you can customize Resto's modular sofas to whatever size you want, but when you're staring at a two-page spread of one of their massive, L-shaped numbers, it's hard to settle for anything less. Until you realize that could set you back $24,760.
7. What Does It Take To Become A Member?! Is There An Initiation Process?
Yes, and it involves drinking the blood of anyone who dares outfit their home in IKEA. Kidding. I think. (In reality, you pay $100 and fill out a form, then snag discounts on anything you buy — and get early access to clearance sales. So basically, you're a member of the Illuminati.)
8. Cement Is So Chic Right Now.
Gray is the new beige, but RH has really been taking things to its industrial apex with its stoneware accessories lately. It's like Jailhouse Rock, but make it fashion.
9. OMG, I Think Decorative Sphinxes Are The New Vases Full Of Wine Corks.
Sonia, get that tacky "Gather" sign off the wall! It's 2018, and I refuse to be embarrassed by dated decor! Bring me one of those 3-foot-long sphinxes from the second spread of the 2018 issue, stat!
10. Whoa, Look At That View. Where Do They Find The Homes Where They Shoot Their Furniture?
Also, what are the squatter's laws in that area? Asking for a friend.
11. That Fiddle Leaf Fig Looks SO Realistic.
But it costs $540?! I'll keep my wasteful cycle of neglecting my actual plants, promising to do better, and being forced to replace their withered remains every 3-4 months, thank you very much.
12. Maybe I'd Sleep Better On 1,000 Thread Count Italian Cotton Sheets.
Then again, maybe my restlessness has something to do with the half-gallon of coffee I chug daily, or the 18-year-old mattress I should've replaced oh, sometime during Britney Spears's "Oops I Did It Again" era. Or maybe it's the haunting sense of existential dread that piles onto me like a boulder on my chest as I try to count sheep at night.
But it's probably my crappy, 500-thread-count sheets.
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